I am sorry for another long delay in posts. I have had some pretty bad luck with my knee in the weeks since the open and haven’t been able to train much. When I can’t train, it tends to be the beginning of a downward spiral where I do all sorts of bad stuff and it’s very hard for me to keep up with the blog because I am depressed I am not training. I am not trying to make excuses (well maybe a little) but I wanted to offer some kind of explanation as to why my blogging has been so spotty lately as well as a promise to try to do better…trust me, you can’t stay mad at me!
I don’t want to turn this jiu-jitsu blog into a knee injury blog so I’m not going to focus too much on medical stuff. Basically my doctor tried a new treatment a couple of weeks ago and not only did it not work, but my leg has been in a lot of pain since. While it’s been sad not to be able to train, it’s been worse not being able to walk, stand, sit or even lie down without pain. I know, poor me 😦
So while I don’t want to get into boring medical details, I would like to talk about the effect this injury is having mentally because maybe that will be more useful to someone someday. If you don’t want to read a whole post about what I think about being injured I can sum it nicely right now for you…it sucks.
I am basically planning everything around what is good for my knee now. I can’t do anything that involves much walking because that is agonizing after about a minute. I’ve been coming into work earlier because I work in a massive building with parking all over the place and I want to get a closer spot to minimize the walking. I also plan trips to the grocery store to hit only one section at a time for the same reason. Anywhere I go now I have to think about how much walking will be involved and what kind of seating arrangements there are. My knee does pretty good on hard chairs but will start hurting pretty soon if I sit in a soft chair.
Besides the fact that my number one priority in life has become pain management, I also think about odd things when I’m hobbling around. Last week I was leaving work and a guy was walking behind me and I thought that if he, or anyone, decided to attack me there was no way I was going to run away. I did not find this man particularly threatening but it was a weird little moment of realization and now whenever someone is behind me I inevitably think about how they could physically dominate me and it makes me sad that I can’t fight anymore. I also bristle a little every time someone passes me because I am walking too slow. I have fantasies of yelling out “I used to the passer and not the passee!” and then telling them all about my glory days with two functional knees.
So while it’s hard enough that my knee is on my mind almost all the time (sadly because my knee hurts while I am sleeping I even often dream about knee pain) it’s super hard that I am going through all this stress and I’ve lost my number one way to deal with stress…jiu-jitsu! And not only do I not get to train but because I’ve let jiu-jitsu permeate pretty much all areas of my life, I am constantly being reminded that I am not training. All I see in social media is jiu-jitsu stuff. Most of my friends are doing jiu-jitsu. Hell I am even wearing a jiu-jitsu shirt right now! I can’t escape the fact that there is a ton of jiu-jitsu going on and I am not involved in any of it.
The part that is the most frustrating to me is the fact that I don’t have a diagnosis for what is causing the pain and therefore no plan to fix it. Back in September when I got an MRI, I was told it was a sprained ligament but I feel that something else must have happened since then because the pain is much worse now and is not getting better. I had another appointment this week and my doctor was worried it might be a blood clot so I had to get an ultrasound. You know you are desperate for a solution when you are actually sad the doctor tells you that you don’t have a clot. I am planning to push for a scope at my next appointment because I really just want to know what’s going on right now. Part of me is afraid of what they’ll find and how long it will take to recover but I think the scarier prospect is that they tell me there is nothing to fix and knee pain is part of my life from now on.
I am trying to stay as positive as I can and tell myself that something will work and my knee will get better. It’s been such a long process that I have to admit that it’s getting difficult to keep the faith. Sometimes when I am really frustrated I start to wonder if this is how my jiu-jitsu story is going to end. I hurt my knee and I kept pushing it and finally my knee gave up on me and we will live the rest of our respective lives hating each other. I really don’t think this is where my path was meant to end though so I have no choice but to keep looking for a solution.
So that’s what’s been up with me the last few weeks. I promise more jiu-jitsu themed blogs soon and in the meantime, I hope you are all enjoying your time on the mats!